Webcam and Suicide
It’s an odd feeling to wish for death.
I read an article last week that has given me things to think about. A teenager in Florida commited suicide and streamed the event over his webcam. A lot of discussion has taken place about how something like this could happen. Some of the reasons have been that people didn’t think he was serious; others claimed they tried to talk him out of his decision; still others watched out of curiousity. I won’t even get into the fact the legal side of the discussion. I just wanted to talk about how I am guessing the kid felt.
Practically every day of my life for the past decade I’ve wished for death. It really is a strange feeling. At first, you’re struck by the pain it would cause those who care for you. It gave me pause when this happened to me. I asked myself questions like, “How could I be so selfish?”, “How would person Y deal with it?”. After a while, the pain gets so bad questions about how others might feel become irrelavant. All you want is an end to the pain–the darkness. Eventually, you become so exhausted with the desire for the darkness to end and the robotic movements of walking through life your thoughts morph again. I started thinking others were selfish for wanting to keep me here–encouraging me to tough it out, find help, “look on the bright side.” Fuck, I hate that concept. Look on the bright side. As if I hadn’t thought of that–as if I’d not tried every day to do that very thing. Find some reason, some bright light, that would make sense of my life and give me a reason to take another breath. It’s a waste of time.
Here’s what I know, I walk an edge as sharp as the blade of a razor every day trying to find a good reason to keep going. I’ll take anything: waiting for a good movie, enjoying a new cd, taking care of my animals, going on a trip. Lately, it’s been going to the gym (the past two years). And even more recently it’s been reading the Twilight series. I use anything just to keep my mind off the darkness. Any diversion will do. But, the darkness is always there. I always feel it lurking. And, it always returns.
So, when you wonder how a kid can stream a suicide over the web, think of this–he was probably screaming for one person to give him any reason not to take his own life. He was looking for one good reason. He was smothered in darkness, and nothing diverted his mind from those thoughts. But, he couldn’t find a reason to go on. I understand that. I wish I could have helped in some way. I am not sure what I could have done, but I wouldn’t have doubted his resolve–that should have never been called into question.
It’s an odd feeling to wish for death. It’s an odd feeling to finally give up hope. It’s an odd feeling to no longer care how others will be impacted. It’s an odd feeling to welcome the end.
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